The Final Update

Wow! I haven't posted in months and have debated deleting this blog on a number of occasions. In fact, I was in the middle to doing just that when the comments made me rethink that decision. Since I first started this blog, almost a year ago, I've been dealing with and trying to work through what I thought was silence. In the process, I've learned that it is much more than silence. Over the years, I have nearly perfected the craft of making myself virtually invisible. The urge to delete my web space was just one example but I realize that I've done this in almost all aspects of my real life - work, school, relationships, etc. At nearly 28 years of age, I've realized that I can no longer live this way but I've also discovered that it doesn't work. Just like my silence is sound, my attempt at invisibility stands out. It's time for something new. I've learned that people are going to think, say, and assume things about me. Period. So I may as well be me, let my thoughts be heard and my actions seen. It's time that I live out loud and in living color. So from here on out, you can find me here - Loud & In Living Color. My goal is to share something, however small, daily. (We'll see how that goes.) So if you've read or commented here, check out my new space periodically.

Before I go, I will give you a quick update on my "28 by 28."

First, I realized that I may have taken on too many things at once. However, it has taught me a little bit about how I handle things. After my apartment was broken into and I moved in with mom, I went into autopilot, only doing what was necessary - work, internship - to graduate and hitting the gym. Everything else kinda took a back seat. I've noticed the same type of pattern as I look for jobs and wait to here back from companies. I almost freeze or press pause on my life. So I'm trying not to do that. I've reevaluated the list because I only have 2 and a half months before my deadline. Here goes:

28 by 28

1. Complete my MEd program. DONE! with distinction and accomplished my 4.0 goal!
2. Pass the National Counselor Exam. - I will take the exam as soon as I can but I'm waiting on the state to review my application again.
3. Lose 20lbs more and keep it off. This is the hardest thing I've had to do. I haven't lost any more lately and actually gained a lot (to me). I'm back watching how I eat though. This has taught me how my emotions are tied to eating. I'm much more aware than I was. Even when I decide to gorge on chicken nachos or a ridiculous mix from Cold Stone, I know why. One day I'll actually stop myself. Next goal?
4. Maintain a workout regimen. When I'm not in freeze mode, I actually do this but when I'm in freeze mode I can go weeks without seeing a gym.
5. Try meditation. Haven't done this seriously. I was in the middle of setting up a space in my home when I had to move. Haven't gotten back to it yet.
6. Visit Canada. Um, I don't think this is going to happen. I realized that I had already been to Canada to see Niagara Falls when I visited Cornflake Girl. My only reason for going was to have been to all the countries in North America. So, I may make it or I may not. No biggie.
7. Apply/Be prepared to apply to doctoral programs. - Reevaluating... - I'm not ready yet. I want to work in my field for a bit. And decide what I want to do. Plus with the economy, funding is uncertain. So we will see.
8. Participate in an AIDS Walk/Run. Got a flyer to train for the marathon or a half-marathon. Don't think I'm ready. I don't run, outside! So, I actually signed up for the Chicago AIDS Walk/Run months ago. Then I decided that I wanted to move to DC. So I haven't solicited funds because I was hoping that I would have made the move by then - October 3. There is one in DC on the same day. Either way, I hope to run in one of them. Yes, I said run. Still haven't run outside yet. I will decide which one after I hear back from the last job interview that I had. Then I will hit you up for donations! :)
9. Color my hair. I cut it! - Not gonna color it. I loved the look but not the dryness and damage from the last time I colored it. It's so short now and my main goal is longer, stronger curls. So no color. For now.
10.Travel outside of North America. Done. See pictures. Thanks Kismet. Probably wouldn't have done it without you.
11. Take a dance class or 3. I took salsa and bellydancing classes. I've been putting off more pending the move.
12. Perfect 28 new dishes. I don't really know what is going on with this. I've tried a lot of new dishes with the vegan thing and dieting. I'm loving cooking more beans and vegetables. I'm not counting. Just learning to cook better food and make better eating choices.
13. Create a professional website. - Actually working on it. Will launch within the next week or so. I need more professional looking pictures. Pre-club photos don't really match the look I'm going for. LOL.
14. Go to a play, museum or something artistic once a month. - Did I mention I put my life on pause a few times? I'm trying. Hit up a museum or two and a concert the last two months. Trying to keep it going.
15. Complete an art class. I haven't done this either with the potential move. As soon as that's settled, I'll take one but I'll settle for a one-day workshop or something.
16. Create a vision board. I finally did it. It took more time than I thought and turned out a lot different than I thought. I will post a pic on the new blog.
17. Skydive. - I still haven't done this. When I bring it up, folks say they'll go with me. So, I keep debating whether to get a group together or just go randomly by myself. Plus it's a nice chunk of change when I don't have any income but I'll do it by the deadline.
18. Call 1 friend per week. Um, yeah. This so hasn't happened consistently. Don't even know how I still have friends.
19. Take tennis lessons. I don't think I want to learn to play tennis. It was just an idea and I think it was linked to someone else who played and the fact that there were courts at my old gym. If I learn great, if I don't I'll live. I've been thinking about racquetball since they have courts at my new gym.
20. Volunteer for the hotline at least once a month. So haven't done this. Will do better.
21. Learn to swim. Haven't done this either. I do want to learn.
22. Teach myself sign language. I haven't done this either. My niece has taught me a few colors though. :) Love that little lady.
23. Attend one social event per month. (Thanks T.) Haven't paid attention but I think I have.
24. Dedicate one day per month to myself. (Thanks BL.) Somehow, someway, I've done this often, usually unintentionally.
25. Read half the books on my reading list. Um, yeah no. There is a TV in my bedroom at mom's house. So distracting and all of those books are packed away in the basement. Trying to make a dent in it though. Got a couple of them from the library.
26. Write a blog post at least once every two weeks. Clearly, this one was a wash. Gonna do better.
27. Treat myself to a makeover - hair, makeup, wardrobe. Um, I think I kinda did this. Might get some professional input soon. When I get some income, that is.
28. Create and stick to a realistic monthly budget. So haven't done this.
29. Study, read, blog, etc. in a public place at least once every two weeks. Um. Some weeks are better than others and what the hell type of goal is this away? Oh, I remember. I don't get stuff done at home.
30. Learn to let people go. This will always be a process. Think I'm getting better with it but I need to be more direct about it.

Growth is a continuous process. Hope you join me in my next phase.

Guess Who's Back...

in more ways than one.

So, I finally decided to sit down at the macbook and give the people (spiderlgs and b.) what they want - a blog post from yours truly. I don't know how long it will last but I'm back on the blogosphere, if only for one night.

What I'm really excited to share with all of you is that the old me is back, physically. As you know, I've been trying to lose weight and recently I've seen some very strong validation that it's working. I'll share with you the two experiences that almost brought tears to my eyes.

On August 7, 2008, b. and I received assessments at the gym. Here were my stats.

Weight: 173lbs
BMI: 30.64 (Obese Class I)
Body Fat: 37.2%

On May 7, 2009, I had another assessment at my new gym. Here are those stats.

Weight: 153.5 lbs
BMI: 27.20 (Overweight)
Body Fat: 32.3%

Do you see what I see? I lost almost 20lbs, decreased my BMI by more than 3 points and my body fat by nearly 5%. It doesn't look like that much progress in 9 months but the empowering thing is that I did it on my own. I changed my diet and worked out, however inconsistently, and I finally saw a difference. I've been thinking about losing weight for a while but I finally made it a priority and made it happen. This brings me to my second moment....

So, am I the only girl who buys clothes a little bit too small, thinking that she'll lose weight? (Based on all of the clothes in my closet with the price tag still on them, I've been doing this for years so either tell me I'm not alone or tell me why you let me waste my damn money... ) I digress.

In preparation for my trip to the outlet mall in the morning for new clothes and a suit to start my job search, I decided to try on a suit I bought 2-3 years ago. It was on a serious sale and just a little bit too tight when I bought it. Of course I thought that I would lose weight but the suit just got tighter and tighter until I didn't even bother trying it on any more. Tonight, it fit perfectly! So, I kept going - trying on skirts, dresses, pants, etc that I bought just a little bit too snug. Some were the perfect fit and others were even too big! So yes, I was damn near in tears.

I am so proud of the work that I have done so far. I am even more excited about my decision to invest in personal training because it is an investment in myself. If I can make this much progress by myself, then there is no telling how far I can go with someone to push me further than I would ever go on my own. I still have some work do. I haven't decided on my final but I'm definitely going to keep it up.

I may not be where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I was...

Aix en Provence, France: Reflections

As it states, I wrote this one while sitting in the airport on the way to Madrid.



I’m sitting in the Marseille Airport thinking about the time I spent in Aix en Provence and trying to take my mind off the overnight layover that I have ahead of me in Madrid (another post). I am happy with my trip and grateful for the time away from home. There a few things that I thought I wanted to do that made less sense once I got here like travel to Paris for a day or two or have “authentic” French cuisine. However, the trip was just what I needed when I needed it.
Here are some brief highlights:

• I climbed a hill everyday, most days, more than once. This was my unplanned workout for the trip.
• I also climbed bigger hill/mountain to see Mount Sainte Victoire. The view was amazing. It reminded me of hiking in Kenya and climbing the ruins of Mexico. Only thing time, I wasn’t with a group of students, at least one professor, and a guide. It was just me and my friend. We did it alone. In hindsight, it was a little scary only because no one except a couple of Frenchman knew we were even headed up there. While one was very nice to us before and after our climb, I doubt he would have sent a search party after the silly American girls.
• I shopped. Only a little and only the most inexpensive things. Shopping for real here could have put me in some real debt.
• I learned that the American dollar is a joke to the Euro. I definitely missed those Kenyan and Mexican exchange rates.
• I met people from Guyana, Canada, and Chile. I learned a lot more about patience and multicultural perspectives in a much different way than I did on my other trips abroad.
• I ate. A lot. I ate a lot of white (French) bread, something I almost never do and it was great. I ate a lot of cheese. I had pizza, pasta, sandwiches, and on my last night, I had salmon. I kept my 30-day pledge to be vegetarian! Even if I didn’t quite make the vegan part.
• I read a lot. I finished Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man on the plane (more on that in a another post). I also finished a book for my book club and read the relevant pieces to The 4-Day Diet. I had a lot of time to just reflect on how each of the books related to my life and I’m ready to make some important changes. It’s interesting that the diet book was the most informative and made me think a lot about the choices that I make.
• I saw the coolest museum exhibit ever at Museè Granet on Picasso and Cezanne. It was interactive and exciting to people my age and much older and I couldn’t help but think how much kids would love it. I need to hit up a few museums when I get home.
• I people-watched and people watched, or should I say stared, at me. The people of France are interesting. I was intrigued by their fashions and sense of style, the way they sit in cafes for hours, how the kids hang out and laugh. However, what I’m most curious about is how they see me and how race and place works in their society. We often wondered aloud if the looks were from curiosity about our dress, hair, language or if it was simply a case of good ol’ French racism. I’m hoping my friend can find out more in her time there.
• I was challenged to travel more. The overnight thing in Madrid was an oversight on my part while booking the flight but it has lead to a real desire to see more of the world. I’ve always wanted to travel the world but never really thought about doing it on my own or with a friend. This trip has ignited that fire.
• I chilled hard. I sat in cafes checking email and playing around the on internet between looking for jobs. I took naps, slept in, and was simply at peace. Something that often seems so elusive at home. Changes in environment are great for me whether it is across the ocean, the country, or just across state lines.

I may write more once I get home but these are just my thoughts for now.

Tater Tots, Hashbrowns, and Frites…

This post was written on my third day in France. Thankfully and surprisingly, I didn't gain any weight.

So, I said I would try the vegan diet for 30 days. However, that was shortened to 23 days due to my trip to France. I must say that I did quite well right up until the second leg of my flight when they served croissants for breakfast. Thank heavens for the option on priceline to select a vegetarian/dairy-free meal. Otherwise, I would have been like the vegetarian girl sitting next me picking over her chicken meal to get to the rice and veggies. I’ve been here for two full days and I have yet to eat any meat. I don’t know if I can go back to it. I’ve had plenty of cheese and I’ll be damned if I haven’t eaten an entire baguette (think loaf of French bread not a roll) each day. This is definitely not good for the weight loss plan. I may be starting all over at 173 lbs when I get home. No worries, though I will have read the 4-Diet cover to cover by the time my plane touches down at O’Hare and I’ll start my Induction phase as soon as I can hit a grocery store. But anyway, here’s how the diet went prior to the trip…
Things started off well. A trip to Trader Joe’s and Hyde Park Produce got me off to a good start. I made a bunch of new dishes such as vegan veggie pizza, pasta with Italian “sausage,” veggie taco salad mix, and cooked zucchini and baked cookies from scratch for the first time. In addition to home cooked meals, I picked up pre-packed Soul Vegetarian East meals to make it through my longs days and dined out at Karyn’s Cooked Comfort Gourmet, and found a new love for cucumber rolls. So as long as I was cooking or controlling where I was eating, things went relatively well. If I had a craving for something, I stopped by Whole Foods to see if I could find a vegan alternative. I now have enjoy dark chocolate, LARA Bars, which happen to also be raw, Newman O’s and Purely Decadent soy ice cream.
However, there were a few times when this was a little harder. I finally hit up Salsa Sunday’s at the Cubby Bear with a friend. Something told me to eat before I left but I was lazy and ended up running late. I don’t know what I expected to be on the menu but the only thing that I could eat was tater tots, French fries or a salad. Who really wants to pay all of that money for a bunch of lettuce and tomato and I wasn’t sure they had vegan dressing. So, if you know me, you know I opted for tater tots. No, I don’t care if I look like a 5-year old at the bar. It’s not everyday a girl gets tater tots. I also went out to dinner with my vegetarian friend. I let her pick the restaurant before I told her I was a vegan (for now) and ended up at Uncommon Ground, an earth friendly restaurant, only to find very few vegan OR vegetarian options. I went for the veggie burger and sweet potato fries. It was the most un-burger-like thing I’ve ever eaten. You could still see the veggies in it. I ate it though I wasn’t entirely sure it was vegan. Food life was relatively uneventful until the weekend before my trip. Due to a family emergency, my 14-year old twin cousins were staying with me. I told them up front about what I had at home in the refrigerator and they quickly opted for fast food ALL weekend. So, I had Wendy’s, HAROLD’S, McDonald’s Breakfast, and Panda Express type Chinese food including orange chicken all in my apt for the first time in at least 3 weeks. I was definitely struggling but maintained my cool and ate wholesome vegan dishes while the kids ate heart attacks on a plate. That was until Sunday morning. I was in such a rush that I neglected to eat a wholesome vegan breakfast and the kids wanted McDonald’s breakfast AGAIN so I had them pick me up a hashbrown. I know, the worst possible thing I could have eaten. Now I’m in France and I think the only vegan thing to eat here are frites (French fries). Can some I please get some HEALTHY and fast vegan options?

28 by 28: 3 Month Review

So, it's been 3 months since I started this list. I'm so glad that I did. I'm proud to say that I have made some progress. When I have a little bit of free time, I usually check in and look at the list, see where I'm making progress and where I need to get started. Just having a visual reminder and knowing that those closest to me have seen this list are motivation enough for me to tackle just one more thing. Here's the update on what I've been able to accomplish over the last two months.

1&2. I'm still ticking away hours and assignments towards my degree and my licensure exam. In a week, I will be done with the quarter and have one more quarter left until graduation. However, beyond the hours, I'm really enjoying the work that I do with my clients. I do it for free (and the degree). I get up early every morning and fight traffic not knowing whether I'm going to have a breakthrough with a client, get cursed out by one, or both. For the most part, I don't complain and I rarely think about not going or needing a break from them. They challenge me, keep me on my toes, and keep me wondering what I can do differently and better tomorrow. Now if I could only find a way to get paid for what I'd do for free.
3&4. See the last post - update on that one coming soon. I'm struggling with the workout regimen. My schedule is crazy. My new plan is to go in the mornings before my internship. I'll keep you all posted.
9. I cut my hair! It looks about the same in the front but the back is pretty short. The straight pieces are still there. I'm still debating how long to keep them. I think I could rock a pretty fly cut with the new growth. I'm waiting until spring or summer to color it. boogie will be my inspiration.
10. I'm going to France! to visit Kismet. I should arrive there two weeks from today. I'm going to try my best to learn a little French. I'm so bad with languages.
11. I completed two sessions of bellydancing and intro to salsa classes. I'm signing up for this month too. I went to Salsa Sundays and realized I have a lot more to learn.
12. I was definitely slacking on the new dishes but this vegan thing has me back in the kitchen. I made my first batch of cookies from scratch and they were vegan. They tasted a lot like my favorite box of cookies from Gran Lux Cafe, even if they were a little darker (molasses). I'm excited to cook my own food and make my own juice (bought a juicer). We'll see if I make it to 28 though. Might have to adjust that number.
14. I went to a play in January and February. I have to do better at planning though. For February, I realized it was the end of the month and the last weekend of the play. I needed to go so I ended up going by myself. It was great and I really wish my friends had been able to go with me. I'll try to do better but I did what I was supposed to do. Can't be too worried about other folks.

That's enough for now. Partly, because I'm tired and partly because I just haven't done much else. Until next time...

Skinny Bitch?

I started the following draft in The Common Room about a month ago:

No, I have not turned into Monique! However, my friend may have created a monster just as bad with her very thoughtful Christmas gifts. One was a PostSecret book and if you don't know about PostSecret, you should. The other was a recipe book called Skinny Bitch in the Kitch: Kick-Ass Recipes for Hungry Girls Who Want to Stop Cooking Crap (and Start Looking Hot!). This description describes me to a T and appeals to my potty mouth so I see exactly why she picked this one up. So with categories like Bitchin' Breakfasts, PMS (Pissy Mood Snacks) and Down Home Cookin', I was excited to start cooking. Then, I started looking at the recipes. I saw a whole lot of soy, tofu and recipes with meats in quotation marks. Then I realized I was looking at a vegan cookbook. Now this same friend is always commenting on my "healthy" eating choices - no soda in fridge, my organic lactose free milk, my organic tortilla chips, fresh fruit in my water - but a vegan, I am not. I have toyed with the idea more than a few times but I'm still eating my chicken and turkey and drinking my lactose free organic milk. However, I thought that this gift just might help me make the adjustment. Then I realized that this recipe book is a follow-up book to Skinny Bitch, a book encouraging women to change their lifestyles. So I went out and bought Skinny Bitch too.

At that point, I was afraid to read the book. I talked to The Maven about it on Christmas Eve, wanted some BBG feedback on the vegetarian/vegan thing, and really wanted someone to read the book along with me, but I never got around to finishing the draft... Well over the last month, my weight has basically hit a plateau and I've been losing and gaining the same 2 pounds every other week. Then, it hit me. I never really changed what I was eating. I ate smaller portions and added healthy snacks to my diet but I basically ate the same stuff I always ate. I just stopped pigging out on it. That and almost daily exercise helped me to lose the first 20 pounds but it wasn't working any more. I decided it might be a good time to make some changes to my diet. Immediately. Monday night I requested the Fat Smash Diet and The 4-Day Diet from the library. Tuesday morning I realized I didn't want to wait on the library and ordered the books for myself. When the books didn't arrive quickly enough, I started reading Skinny Bitch on Thursday night. By Friday afternoon (after my breakfast/lunch), I was pretty sure I'd never look at a chicken wing or a slice of turkey bacon the same way. Saturday afternoon I was planning vegan meals and hitting Trader Joe's reading all of the labels. I now have soy cheese and milk, tofurkey, and tempeh in my fridge. I am channeling my inner Skinny Bitch, eating whole grains and veggies, and trying to give up animal products. I'm not sure how long it will last but I'm excited to eat better and take better care of myself from the inside out. I'm taking the Pledge to Be Veg for 30 Days! And we'll see what happens. Anyone wanna join me? Do you have pointers on making the transition easier?

I May as Well be 15...

So it's pretty clear that I just turned 27 but I might as well be 15 when it comes to dating. I haven't ever really dated. (The other night my girl told me that I am dating my friend, I just don't know it yet. Just because we go out to dinner every other month or so doesn't mean we're dating. Right?) Trust me, I am clueless when it comes to guys and what to do to show my interest. I know all the tips from the books, TV shows, and web articles but when it comes to putting it into action I am extra shy. I'm that girl who looks away immediately when eye contact is made and who can't think of a thing to say in a conversation. Did I mention I never call anybody, even my closest friends? So the new guy definitely doesn't get a call (ever) without a serious pep talk from my girls. So ladies I'm going to need some help getting it together.

Here's an example of one of my most recent mishaps to help you provide better advice.

Last Friday, I ran into a guy who b. swears "wants my body" after not seeing him for a month and a half. (I don't believe her but I think the guy is cool and I like talking to him.) So, we were in the same place. I saw him, but I didn't think he saw me. I continued doing what I was doing, hoping he would come over and talk to me but every time he walked past (from a distance), I was too nervous to look at him. So, I pretended to do something like adjust my ipod or take a sip of water. He disappeared for a while and I finished up what I was doing and prepared to leave. Then, I walked right into him. I said "hi" and he asked how I'd been. As I was taking a drink of water, I spilled water all down my chin. Embarrassed, I responded with my hand over my mouth. He mocked my jumbled and muffled attempt at conversation. So I laughed it off, took out my ear phones and repeated myself. We made brief small talk and I left. So, yes I kind of recovered but I was definitely embarrassed for a second. I even laughed at myself for being giggly like a little school girl and, I admit, it felt good. But what now? What do I do the next time I see him or another guy that piques my interest?

If only it could be this simple again...

Waiting on Your World to Change...

Waiting On The World To Change - John Mayer

Two weeks ago, I attended a 30-hour training related to working with children who have been sexually assaulted or abused. Tough stuff to listen to but crucial in my work. During the last hour, all I could think about was getting into my car in the -25º weather and fumbling with my ipod apparatus to play "Waiting on the World to Change." I can't explain why I wanted to hear that song but listening to it, I thought "our world is about to change but what will really change about this issue?" I could also vividly remember leaving class on the Thursday before election day and saying goodnight to the professor. He said "see you next week" and I said "you know, the world will be a different place the next time I see you." He replied "let's hope so." This past Tuesday, January 20, 2009, the world has, in fact, changed. Not only was President Barack Obama sworn in, he has already made strides on the economy and eliminating the use of torture. While President Obama stated that his administration would be one of change, he also called upon each of us to work towards the change we want to see.

So now that we are no longer waiting on the world to change, what are we waiting for? What am I waiting on to call to schedule a shift at the hotline or to start mentoring or adult literacy tutoring again? Somehow, I feel like I am waiting on my world to change. I tell myself I'm waiting to graduate, to not work 12-hour days, to have more time. The truth is that my life won't get any less busy after I graduate and I have time to do those things now. So, I need to stop waiting on my world to change to change the world.

What are you doing to change the world? If the answer is "nothing," What are you waiting on?

Losing Momentum...

I started this post last Saturday. If I remember correctly, I was in some kind of mood last Saturday - not feeling like going to gym or to my book club meeting and loving the way my couch felt. I hadn't worked out at all the week prior except maybe a failed attempt to do an exercise video at home and my dance classes.

This week, I have mixed emotions. I'm feeling good. I made it to the gym today and yesterday and worked up a sweat in my dance classes last night. However, when I woke up this morning I was 2 pounds heavier than I was last week. There are a number of reasons for the weight gain - bloating, water weight, and my indulgence in all of the chocolate, cheese, and dulce de leche Hӓagen-Daz that I wanted. I'm a little sad about the 2 pounds but not discouraged. I have a plan for the week and I'm steadily ticking things off the list. I went to a play for the month on Sunday, went to happy hour with some friends last Friday, and caught up with a good friend last night. So while I haven't lost any weight, I am no longer losing momentum...

Keeping the Momentum Going

Last night, I started belly dancing and salsa classes. They were perfect. The belly dancing class was small enough for me not feel too awkward messing up turns and isolations. The salsa class was small and had just the right number of rhythmless men to disguise my lack of coordination. I'm excited to go back and I might even check out salsa night at few clubs to practice in between. Lé Empress, next time we go salsa dancing, I will dance.

The next thing on my list that I'm going to tackle is my weight. I've decided to go ahead and post my weight weekly.* (Thanks Spiderlgs for letting me know that it's not that hard or that bad.) Just posting weekly won't help me lose a pound, so I've decided to create a weekly workout goal and schedule. My goal is to workout 4 times per week. The schedule part is tricky. I'll figure it out and post it here. I'm trying to figure out how to motivate myself to go to the gym even when I don't have 2 hours to spend there and how to do my workout videos at home without stopping after 5 minutes. I'll try later this afternoon. This morning, my average weight was 159lbs. I am officially back at my pre-holiday weight. Now I just have to keep taking the pounds off. My goal weight is 140lbs. However, I will reevaluate this as I get closer to it.

Also, I really want to take a trip. Preferrably some place warm, so visiting Canada is not a goal that I'm willing to tackle right now (unless someone knows of a quaint little inexpensive, yet beautiful, town that isn't as cold as Chicago). I'm thinking of traveling alone and giving myself 3 days of R&R. Any ideas? Has anyone traveled alone before?

*The weekly weigh in can be found below my profile.

Making Progress

This week started off pretty stressful, but it's over. I love my 3-day weekends! I'm glad to say that I've made a little more progress on my 28 things. So here's an update and some info in case you're in Chicago and looking to take in a show or a dance class.

1. I dropped a class that I didn't need to take in order to free up some time and relieve some stress. I now have my Fridays and Saturdays free. I'm thinking of signing up for belly dancing and salsa classes here. If the weather is not horrendous, I'll start tomorrow.
2. I also found a social event at the same place - they are having a studio party and they even have Salsa Speed dating. I'll keep y'all posted on the party. Don't know about the speed dating. Maybe after I learn a few moves. Has anyone ever tried it? What do you think about it?
3. I called a friend. She didn't answer. Phew!
4. This is my second blog post this week, thanks to b. I have a couple more in mind.
5. I've decided to post my weight here, weekly, starting this Saturday. Hopefully, that will keep me in the gym and eating right.
6. I researched and created a list of plays that I want to see in the next few months. I'm posting it below in case you're in Chicago and want to check something out. Also, if you know of something, send me suggestions.

PLAYLIST

"FROM THE MISSISSIPPI DELTA"
Written by Dr. ENDESHA IDA MAE HOLLAND
November 20 – January 11, 2009
Directed by AUDREY MORGAN
Living in a time in a world that would deny a woman her most basic rights did not deter Dr. Endesha Ida Mae Holland as she journeys through her pain and gains the strength to appreciate herself as not only a woman but as an individual. Her story is an inspiration to all.
Showtimes: Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 8:00 P.M. & Sunday at 3:00 P.M. & 7:00 P.M.
Ticket Prices: General Admission $30 Students: $15
Location: eta Creative Arts
7558 S South Chicago Avenue
Chicago, IL 60619-264


“I STILL LOVE H.E.R.”
Produced by Wendell Tucker (WY Graduate)
January 8 – February 28, 2009
Theori Productions is proud to re-introduce its ground-breaking contribution to theatre,"I Still Love H.E.R. (A Tribute to HipHop)." "I Still Love H.E.R." takes viewers on an insightful tour down memory lane, while taking time to stop and see what conditions and events helped to create the cultural phenomena known as HipHop.
This sociological musical centers on Love 1, a revered Chicago on-air personality who is about to begin his final broadcast. In the midst of his farewell show, HipHop arrives to tell her story the way it really is. Through the dialogue that follows, Love 1 and his listeners are told the story of Hip-Hop through her own words. Social issues such as feminism, parenting, racism, capitalist media domination and violence in the HipHop community are examined throughout the show, with relevant HipHop classics as the backdrop. By the end of his broadcast Love 1 reconciles his love affair with his culture and realizes that he must "always take time to listen to the soundtrack of his life".
Showtimes: Thursday & Friday – 8:00 P.M. , Saturday - 3:00 P.M. & 8:00 P.M., Sunday - 3:00 P.M.
Ticket Prices: $10
Location: CCPA's "WestTown Studio Theater"
777 N Green St
(1 block west of Halsted, just off Chicago Avenue)
Chicago, IL 60622
Phone: (312) 733-6000


“STAGE BLACK”
Written by Lydia R. Diamond
Directed by Mignon McPherson Nance
January 16 – March 1, 2009
Today critically acclaimed and nationally produced playwright Lydia R. Diamond is known for The Bluest Eye, Stick Fly, Voyeurs de Venus, and the recent Harriet Jacobs. Back in 1998, MPAACT had the honor of producing her play The Inside.
In Stage Black a well-respected but under-produced African-American playwright, attempts to write the "perfect producible black play". As the writer attempts to script the black play that falls within the comfort zones of white and black audiences, her subconscious leaps to the fore and her characters rebel. The rest... well, you'll just have to see it to believe it.
Show Times: Thursdays and Fridays – 8:30pm, Saturdays – 7:30pm, Sunday – 3:30pm
Ticket Prices: $16
Location: The Greenhouse Theatre
2257 N. Lincoln Ave.
Chicago, IL 60614
BOX OFFICE: 773-40-GREEN (404-7336)
Love of Heritage and Tradition


"TALKING BONES"
Written by SHAY YOUNGBLOOD
January 29 – March 22, 2009
Directed by RUNAKO JAHI
With a desire to lead a normal life, Bay-Bay ignores the wisdom and spiritual yearnings of her steeped-in-African-tradition mother, Ruth, by refusing to be a vessel to connect with the ancestors. Ruth is ready to join the ancestors but who will take her place?
Showtimes: Thursday, Friday, Saturday at 8:00 P.M. & Sunday at 3:00 P.M. & 7:00 P.M.
Ticket Prices: General Admission $30 Students: $15
Location: eta Creative Arts
7558 S South Chicago Avenue
Chicago, IL 60619-264


SAINT JAMES INFIRMARY
By: Brian Tucker
Directed by: Harry Lennix
Dates: March 19, 2009 – April 12, 2009
Previews: March 12–14
Featuring Ensemble Member: TaRon Patton
A bluesy noir that examines the soul-less inhabitants of a world dominated by gamblers, thieves, and women of the night. Borrowing from the mythic tales of dealing with the devil, the play follows what takes place when the purchaser of lost souls comes to collect.
Location: Center for the Performing Arts
777 N. Green
Box Office: (312) 733-6000

What's a Girl to Do?

I'm resisting the urge to cuss out my bff on the blogosphere as I sit on her couch typing this post. One of my 28 by 28 is to blog at least once every two weeks. This space tends to be my more personal reflection space and The Common Room is where I share random thoughts, but like b., I'm not posting there until the rest of the homies get back from "break". So, I post when I feel the need and have the time to reflect. b., on the other hand, started a trend by posting everyday. I'm just trying to keep her from disappointing her readers. However, I'm willing to step up to her challenge.*

I know I've only been back from a 2-week break for less than two days but I'm emotionally exhausted already. Here are some random thoughts that are weighing on me. As usual, I can't get it together enough to write about one thing...

• Remember about a month ago when I was debating contacting a couple of folks? Well, I did. And they responded but I still haven't seen them yet. I guess the ball is in my court again but I don't really feel like taking it. I care about them both immensely but y'all know that saying about making someone a priority when you are their option. Clearly, I haven't been a priority for them over the last month and anything I handle right now would have to be a priority... Friendship shouldn't be this hard.
• I miss The Common Room - both the real world one and the webspace. Ladies, where are y'all. I need some laughs and love. I kinda wish I was using my plane tickets to DC to camp out on someone's couch. I can't wait til April.
  
• I'm tired of ignorant ass men - The ones who want to come into my home after knowing me for less than 24 hours, the ones who say shit like "come get me," "drop me off at the train," and "so that's what you on?," and the ones who do shit like this. It makes me wonder, do I have a sign on my head that says I'll go for their bullshit and who are the women who fall for this craziness?
• Have you ever worked with someone that you thought was less qualified than you? I don't mean without the degree that you have but someone that just doesn't know anything. Well, all I'm saying is 6 months. Pray for my patience and humility.
• I would love for my phone to ring because someone just wants to talk to me and see how I'm doing. I'm busy. I can't run an errand for you, walk you through setting up your computer, or entertain you in any kind of way. But I can tell you how my day went, I can tell you what makes me happy and what I'm struggling with. I think I've been taking care of myself and everyone else for so long that no one expects me to need anything. Wrong. Somewhere along the road, I must have thought it was my duty to take care of others at the expense of myself. Hell, I've paid thousands of dollars for a license to do just that - listen to and help other people solve their problems and not share mine (with them). I love what I do, but I be damned if I'm gonna keep doing it in my personal life.
  

So, what's a girl to do when she feels the weight of the world on her shoulders...

I called my bff, grabbed a bottle of wine, and comfy pajamas and went to sit on her couch. and share with you. I'm learning. As Kismet would say, self-care is essential.

BadBlackGirls, we will be chilling with a bottle in a few months but until then, get your butts back to campus and in The Common Room!

28 by 28: Month 1 in Review

In an attempt to hold myself accountable for my to-do list, I've decided to blog about my progress at the end of each month. Here are a few that are relevant:

1. I didn't graduate yet but I did complete my practicum, putting me one quarter closer to graduation. My G.P.A is still intact. Two quarters to go...

3/4. Oooooh. So I was maintaining my weight loss but not making much progress. I caught a really bad cold the day after my birthday and just made it back to the gym on Monday for the first time since December 3rd. Over my break, I gained a few (3-7) pounds. I have managed to get that under control. I just need to figure out a realistic way to make it to the gym when my schedule gets crazy next week. I've toyed with the idea of putting my weight on here and having a monthly weigh-in. Don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

5. I bought a book and video on meditation thanks to a shopping spree in Borders. I have a vision for a meditation space in my bedroom but I haven't set it up yet.

11. I've looked into several dance classes. However, due to my crazy schedule it won't work out this quarter. I did buy a dance workout video, yet to be opened.

12. I started on this one before the first of the month. I made lasagna and chicken chili. Beyond that I haven't made too much progress. I looked at several cook books, bought a few, and received one as a gift (which deserves a post of it's own).

14. I went to the Chicago Cultural Center yesterday to check out a couple of exhibits - a photo exhibit of Chicago landmarks and a celebration of the centennial for Lane Tech High School. This was kind of a cop-out. I was determined to see a play at the Goodman but was thwarted when I realized that they didn't offer a matinee and the play was 3 hours long not including intermission. It was a bit much for a Sunday night and of course I waited til the last minute. I need to create a calendar for the next season, at least. I might post it. If you're in Chicago, join me.

18. I did not call one friend per week. I don't really think I called anyone unless it was returning a call. I called Kis to make plans for us to get together but I don't know if that counts. I need to do better on this one. I also just randomly don't answer my phone sometimes, even if I'm not doing anything. It annoys me when people interrupt my nothingness. I'll try to do better with this also.

19. I haven't signed up for tennis lessons due to my crazy schedule. I'm also debating whether I really want to do this or if I just decided to do it because someone else liked to play.

20. I have not volunteered for the hotline. I feel bad since I am going to a training, thanks to them, next month. However, most of the shifts would have been off site and if you've tried to call me, you know my phone acts extra crazy. Can't have that while on duty.

23. Does going out for New Year's count?

24. I don't know if I've done this on purpose but I've definitely had a few leave me the hell alone days.

I think that is all that makes sense to comment on right now i.e. I haven't made any progress on the rest of the list. I am a work in progress. Bear with me.

I noticed last night how bad my procrastination really is. I had a mystery shop report to complete that should have taken no more than 2 hours. However, I started it at 9pm last night and finished it at 8:30am this morning. Unacceptable for a few check boxes and a one-page narrative. I have to figure out how to get over this procrastination thing, especially if I plan on getting another degree. I need to put this into a measurable too. Any suggestions?

World AIDS Day 2008: Memories, Reflections

December 1 is my birthday and for the last 20 years it has also been World AIDS Day. Somehow, I didn't realize that this was the 20th anniversary. Knowing this has caused me to stop and reflect on my understanding of the disease and how it has evolved over the years.
Please bear with me as my thoughts aren't the clearest but it's important for me to share this today.

My earliest memories of HIV/AIDS came from my family. My grandmother is a nurse and worked in the "AIDS ward" at the county hospital. As evidenced by the AIDS ward, this was a time when people knew very little about the disease. Many of my grandmother's patients, mostly gay men, had been disowned by their families due to fear and misinformation about the disease. My grandmother not only provided them with quality nursing care, she also took it upon herself to provide them with a sense of family. She developed relationships with some of her patients, invited them to her home and into our family. However, they were not always welcomed. I can remember one of my uncles saying something about not using the same dishes as a particular young man. This man also began coming to church with us thanks to my grandmother's influence. At some point, he decided to get baptized. I remember clearly the pastor stepping into the baptismal pool with rubber boots and rubber pants. If I recall correctly, he was the only person baptized that day. I remember thinking that both my pastor and my uncle were dumb. My grandmother fought on and eventually opened a non-profit org that provided housing for people living with HIV/AIDS.

I also remember reading about Rae Lewis Thornton and hearing her speak at my mother's graduation from nursing school in 1995. She changed how I saw the disease and her story would forever remain with me.

As I grew older, I'm sure I heard a lot about HIV/AIDS from the media. Who remembers listening to and watching Love Line in high school? As much as my mom didn't want me listening to or watching this show, I found it to be a great resource for information. It definitely helped me to make more informed decisions.

In college, I attended events and seminars and workshops on HIV/AIDS and safe sex. I attended discussions about the down low and the effect of HIV/AIDS on black women. I talked to my friends about it but somehow it seemed like it didn't affect us.

I can't remember when or how I found out but one of my uncles was diagnosed with HIV. In the summer of 2005, I watched my grandmother take care of him the way she had done for so many others. She tried everything she knew how and anything that anyone could think of. I watched my father take care of him in ways I'd never seen him look after anyone. I almost thought this was enough to change my father's life. Despite their best efforts and all the prayers that I'm sure were offered in his behalf, he succumbed to the disease. After that, it became a little more real for me.

I took my first HIV test because I thought my uncle would want me to, not because I thought it could really happen to me. I began getting regular STI and HIV tests because that's what adults do. I must say that I still didn't think it could happen to me. That is until right before I went into that room to take the test. This was before rapid testing. So from the time I went into that room til 2-3 weeks later when I could come back to get the results, I wondered if it could happen to me. Then, I went right back into the nah, not me mode until next time.

In 2006, I took a job in health care. I began working with people who were living with the disease. Some people had given up and resigned themselvea to remaining at a long-term care facility. Others were motivated to return to their homes or live with family and friends. I watched as some people cared for them as my grandmother had her patients. I advocated for them when others acted as if we were still in the age of misinformation.

In reflecting upon my academic career, I have also conducted a lot of research on HIV/AIDS. I have learned a lot about the disease but what stands out the most is the changing face of the disease. The women, most of whom look like me, and children who are being infected saddens me the most. It has been more than 20 years but the message has not spread to everyone.

I think it is time I start to do my part to make sure the message gets to more people. Today, my 27th birthday, I finally took a stand. I didn't do anything major. I'm posting this blog, posted testing information on my facebook status and I went to be tested. Yes, that 20 minutes was just as nervewrecking as those 2-3 weeks. This time though, I think I grew a little. I made a decision to be tested in my community though I was up north earlier today. As I looked around a room full of people who looked like me, I knew that someone would test positive. Because of that, I could not breathe a sigh of relief. In that moment, I challenged myself to do more. I've wanted to do more for a long time. So, I'm hoping that BL was right when she said that 27 is the age when you come into your own and become the adult you know you need to be. I need this to be true for me and if today is any indication, it will be.

I'll leave you with some photos from today's event.






X-Posted in The Common Room.

World AIDS Day 2008

My birthday is also World AIDS Day. For years, I've thought about doing something for the cause on my birthday but for whatever reason, I haven't. There are so many reasons why this cause is important to me. Today, I will take a small step which will hopefully lead to much larger ones in the future. Here are some videos and resources with information on HIV/AIDS prevention, transmission and testing.








Find an HIV Testing Site near you.

World AIDS Day: http://www.worldaidscampaign.org/
AIDS.gov: http://aids.gov/
AIDS.gov Blog: http://blog.aids.gov/
Alliance Library System: http://www.alliancelibrarysystem.com/
Alliance Virtual Library: http://infoisland.org/
Health Info Island Blog: http://healthinfoisland.blogspot.com/
Info Island Blog: http://infoisland.org/
National Library of Medicine: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/
Sexual Health Sim in SL: http://sl-sexualhealth.org.uk/
Metaverse Messenger (article): http://www.metaversemessenger.com/
pdf/2008/10/MM20081014.pdf

The 28 by 28 Challenge

Tomorrow, I will be 27 years old. Instead of thinking of how old that sounds or how close that is to 30, I am thinking of things that I want to do in the coming year. I have started a list of 28 things that I hope to accomplish by the time I turn 28. The list includes professional goals, weight loss and physical fitness goals which I am determined to accomplish. However, I am most excited about the things that I believe will help me to become a better friend and more well-rounded person. I'm excited to learn to cook more dishes, to take a dance class and to jump out of a plane. I'm most nervous and excited to call at least one friend per week. I know that sounds so simple to most people and it is probably something most people do anyway but I don't. Another way of silencing myself. These past few days have caused me to reflect on a few relationships that I have and what I have or haven't done to maintain them. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with people, hearing about their lives, and being heard.

The list is located on the right of the blog. I will try to write about each thing as I accomplish or work towards it. As you can see, the list is not complete. Things are still coming to me. If you have suggestions, please feel free to leave them in the comments section. I'm not opposed to doing more than 28 things. In fact, the more I can accomplish by 28 the better.

If you are up for the challenge, create a list of your own and leave a few (or all) in the comments section.

Can't help but wonder...

what my silence says to them.

This period of reflection has caused me to think about two people to whom I haven't spoken in a while. One has been a very important person in my life. We have known each other for years and have seen each other through a number of changes. However, I felt that things weren't always as I felt they should be. I also realized that I needed time and space to come to terms with the relationship. I communicated this. We spoke a couple of times after this but that was over a year ago. The other person, I stopped speaking to more recently, without communicating any reason. As the holiday season approaches and as I have more time to devote to reflecting on these relationships, I have been thinking about reaching out to them. Finally. So, what's stopping me? I am still sorting out what I want a relationship with these two people to look like. I am still questioning whether I am able to maintain the type of boundaries needed to manage these relationships. Also, I'm now wondering what they must be thinking. If silence is in fact sound, what has my silence communicated to them? How will that silence affect their ability to hear my voice when I choose to use it?

While these are questions that I don't have the answers to, I can hope that they have remained the people that I know them to be and that they will be open, patient, and understanding. As I work to figure out how to rebuild and maintain a friendship with them, I hope that my silence does not/has not become too loud.

So much to be THANKFUL for!

It is rare for me to actually sit down and reflect upon the things for which I am thankful. I asked my clients to do this today so it is only right that I do so. This past year or so has brought some hard times but also many blessing. Here are some that come to mind.

I am thankful for...

• a space all my own to share my thoughts and feelings.
• a shared space to fellowship with some of the most brilliant women I know.
• time and space to reflect on friendships and relationships.
• friends like my bff and the bad black girls who are supportive, honest, and real.
• the ability to workout, move TVs and climb my three flights of stairs.
• renewed faith in the political process.
• finally having a President that I voted for.
• a scholarship and an assistantship that have allowed me to focus on my internship and insulated me (kinda) from the financial crisis.
• lower gas prices.
• reflections of myself that I see in others.
• improvement in my ability to say no.
• my personal commitment to improve my emotional and physical health and to build better relationships.
  
• warranties for electronics.
• my home with all the necessities and a few luxuries.
• my car.
• my family.
• my grandmother.
• little cousins that want to be like me and a legacy I am proud to pass on to them.
• insight and growth.
• the understanding, patience and support of those around me.

Also, I think it is important to look toward the future. Even though my clients didn't get to this part, there are a few things that I hope I will be able to say I am thankful for this time next year such as...

• completing my Master's degree.
• having a job that I enjoy.
• having repaired those friendships and relationships that I have stepped away from.
• stronger and healthier relationships.
• a sustained commitment to personal improvement.
• a clearer vision for my life.
• spiritual growth.
• having made a difference in the lives of my clients.
• passing my licensure exam.
• family, friends, and loved ones.

These are just a few of the things that I am thankful for and that I hope to accomplish in the next year. So, what are you thankful for this holiday season?

Just Getting My Feet Wet

I just finished my practicum experience and by mid-June, God willing, I will have my degree. When I started this program, I felt like I knew it all. I fell in love with counseling in undergrad and volunteered there and at home. Over the last few months, I realized I don't know anything. That doesn't mean that I didn't have valuable experiences or that I haven't learned a lot in my program but nothing could have prepared me for this experience. My professors were serious when they said this is when you start to think you have no idea what you are doing and you're right. Then, you start to get it...

This quarter I have met some of the strongest and most resilient children I've ever seen. To those who don't know their stories, they are just some bad ass kids. To me they are resourceful survivors. They've made it through horrible situations that still haunt them in their sleep. I've gained the trust of some and others have yet to open up. I don't blame them. I too question whether I'm ready and prepared to help them adjust their load and strong enough not to try to carry it for them. These children challenged me in innumerable ways already. Their stories have made me question humanity but their strength has restored my faith. I'm more than ready to work harder than I ever have.

I'm usually glad for the quarter to end. We usually get a break from now until after the new year. However, I get no break this time. In fact starting on my birthday, I'll start going to my site 4-5 days per week until June instead of 2. I'll take on more clients or spend more time with the ones that I have. Do I need a break? Yes, but I'm excited about the time that I will spend with them. I'm glad to know that I can listen to them and sometimes that's all they need. I'm looking forward to helping them defy the odds and reach their goals. I'm ready to jump in head first but I'm glad I had time to get my feet wet.

It's been a long time...

but thanks to my bbgs over in The Common Room I have returned to the blogosphere.

The past few weeks have been rough - interning, working, family stuff and feeling like there is no way I could get every/anything done. However, things are looking up and I'm glad to be back. Here are a few life updates that may or may not lead to later elaboration:

1. Barack Hussein Obama will be our 44th President.
2. I will finish my practicum hours tomorrow and officially be done on Tuesday. (This actually means more work after Tuesday but its a milestone nonetheless.)
3. My grandmother is home from the hospital/rehabilitation centers.
4. I bought tickets to D.C. to celebrate Barack Hussein Obama becoming the 44th President.
5. I need to figure out the process to get tickets for the actual event.
   
6. I lost a couple more pounds over the last few weeks.
7. I have some of the best friends on Earth. I just wish I could see them more often.
8. I recently became self-conscious about my use of commas. Can someone give me a grammar lesson?
   

I know that was completely random but the silence has, once again, been broken.