A Tale of Two Countries

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Ok, so I've never read a A Tale of Two Cities, but last night I started reading We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For by Alice Walker. She opens the book with this reference. Then, this morning, (thanks to Kismet) I watched a clip of Keith Olbermann responding to the hatred and lies that are being spewed by the Republican Party in the closing days of this campaign. He referred to Sarah Palin's comments to "real" America. Given these two perspectives, in addition to my own hopes and fears of the what will happen over and after the next two weeks. I also feel like it is the best of times and the worst of times.

I think it is pretty clear to those who will read this that it is the best of times. I remember my being told as a child that I could be President of the United States, if I so chose. Today, we are in an historical moment. A black man, for the first time in history, has more than a real chance of making it to the White House. What, perhaps is more important is his ability to inspire and catalyze generations to act after years of passivity and disappointment. Bearing witness to this momentous occasion lets me know that it is all the more possible that my daughters will, in fact, be able to be the President of the United States.

However, according to Governor Palin, I, not to mention my friends, family members and millions of Americans, are not a part of the "real" America. The "real" America is not waiting and working to celebrate the election of the first black President. They are waiting in the wings, wallowing in their own ignorance and regurgitating the lies that have been passed down through generations. With the words that these "real" Americans shout in public, it makes me cringe to think of what they must be saying and doing in private. This "real" America has found it's way of into my home and into my deepest fears. So, despite my hope and happiness, it is also the worst of times...

Regardless of the outcome of the election, we will be left with two Americas...

A Work in Progress

I am quite possibly the happiest that I've ever been. Over the last year and a half or so, I have been reflecting on many areas of my life. I saw "issues" that I have always had - insecurities, unbalanced relationships and friendships, unrealistic expectations from family members, unhealthy eating habits and half-hearted attempts at fitness - to name a few. I slowly began to recognize patterns and work on most of these things. It hasn't been easy, by any means. However, I have made lots of progress and it feels good. It's good to know that I can set and achieve goals for myself that have nothing to do with school or work. It's great to finally realize that things don't always have to be as they are. I have reached out to people in ways that I never have before and pulled away from others. I have looked at my diet and made a commitment to my personal health. Sometimes, I slip up but I don't beat myself up, or give up the fight completely, as I may have in the past. Also, I realized that everything, including happiness, takes work. It is not eternal.

The past two weekends, I've received phone calls that rocked my foundation and instantly took me to a place of fear, loneliness, and isolation. I hid away from my new support system and sought old comforts until I realized that I needed everything I learned over the past year and a half get through this. Returning to old patterns and "safe" relationships would just make a tough time harder. I remembered how I felt before the phone calls - proud of myself for all that I had accomplished and looking forward to exceeding more goals - and I knew I couldn't get there with my old ways.

It was at that moment that I realized and accepted that I am a work in progress. Happiness is not an endpoint or a constant state of being. It takes work. I have made a commitment to myself to keep moving forward and to stay focused on my goals.

The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up. ~Charles L. Morgan

Welcome

Have you heard that quote that goes something like this - "It is better to be quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?" One would think I lived by that quote, upon first meeting me. Many people that I now call my friend have stories about the type of person that they thought I was before they got to know me. People have remarked on how privileged they feel to be my friend because they thought I hated them. Others have labeled me as quiet, shy, stuck-up and, my favorite, uptight. Some have placed me on well-deserved but, unasked-for, pedestals while others have engaged in one-sided competition with me. While I thought I was being low-key, observing my surroundings and trying not to be overbearing, as I find most people, my silence was creating a much juicier story of which I was often unaware. Of course, this was not always the case. There were times when this strategy worked too well and I became completely invisible to people. None of these reactions are ideal. So, I am taking steps to let people know who I am and what I feel. Of course, everyone will have their own perspectives, opinions, and stories but, this time, they'll have some input from the source.

So, Welcome...

Welcome to one source of information about me and my thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, opinions and feelings. I hope that you will take them for what they are - MY _________ of the moment. I also hope that you will engage in dialogue with me on my journey of self-discovery and expression. I welcome your thoughts, comments and constructive criticisms. You might think I'm a fool, at times, but I can no longer live with the sound of silence.

Let's see where this takes us...