28 by 28: Month 1 in Review

In an attempt to hold myself accountable for my to-do list, I've decided to blog about my progress at the end of each month. Here are a few that are relevant:

1. I didn't graduate yet but I did complete my practicum, putting me one quarter closer to graduation. My G.P.A is still intact. Two quarters to go...

3/4. Oooooh. So I was maintaining my weight loss but not making much progress. I caught a really bad cold the day after my birthday and just made it back to the gym on Monday for the first time since December 3rd. Over my break, I gained a few (3-7) pounds. I have managed to get that under control. I just need to figure out a realistic way to make it to the gym when my schedule gets crazy next week. I've toyed with the idea of putting my weight on here and having a monthly weigh-in. Don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

5. I bought a book and video on meditation thanks to a shopping spree in Borders. I have a vision for a meditation space in my bedroom but I haven't set it up yet.

11. I've looked into several dance classes. However, due to my crazy schedule it won't work out this quarter. I did buy a dance workout video, yet to be opened.

12. I started on this one before the first of the month. I made lasagna and chicken chili. Beyond that I haven't made too much progress. I looked at several cook books, bought a few, and received one as a gift (which deserves a post of it's own).

14. I went to the Chicago Cultural Center yesterday to check out a couple of exhibits - a photo exhibit of Chicago landmarks and a celebration of the centennial for Lane Tech High School. This was kind of a cop-out. I was determined to see a play at the Goodman but was thwarted when I realized that they didn't offer a matinee and the play was 3 hours long not including intermission. It was a bit much for a Sunday night and of course I waited til the last minute. I need to create a calendar for the next season, at least. I might post it. If you're in Chicago, join me.

18. I did not call one friend per week. I don't really think I called anyone unless it was returning a call. I called Kis to make plans for us to get together but I don't know if that counts. I need to do better on this one. I also just randomly don't answer my phone sometimes, even if I'm not doing anything. It annoys me when people interrupt my nothingness. I'll try to do better with this also.

19. I haven't signed up for tennis lessons due to my crazy schedule. I'm also debating whether I really want to do this or if I just decided to do it because someone else liked to play.

20. I have not volunteered for the hotline. I feel bad since I am going to a training, thanks to them, next month. However, most of the shifts would have been off site and if you've tried to call me, you know my phone acts extra crazy. Can't have that while on duty.

23. Does going out for New Year's count?

24. I don't know if I've done this on purpose but I've definitely had a few leave me the hell alone days.

I think that is all that makes sense to comment on right now i.e. I haven't made any progress on the rest of the list. I am a work in progress. Bear with me.

I noticed last night how bad my procrastination really is. I had a mystery shop report to complete that should have taken no more than 2 hours. However, I started it at 9pm last night and finished it at 8:30am this morning. Unacceptable for a few check boxes and a one-page narrative. I have to figure out how to get over this procrastination thing, especially if I plan on getting another degree. I need to put this into a measurable too. Any suggestions?

World AIDS Day 2008: Memories, Reflections

December 1 is my birthday and for the last 20 years it has also been World AIDS Day. Somehow, I didn't realize that this was the 20th anniversary. Knowing this has caused me to stop and reflect on my understanding of the disease and how it has evolved over the years.
Please bear with me as my thoughts aren't the clearest but it's important for me to share this today.

My earliest memories of HIV/AIDS came from my family. My grandmother is a nurse and worked in the "AIDS ward" at the county hospital. As evidenced by the AIDS ward, this was a time when people knew very little about the disease. Many of my grandmother's patients, mostly gay men, had been disowned by their families due to fear and misinformation about the disease. My grandmother not only provided them with quality nursing care, she also took it upon herself to provide them with a sense of family. She developed relationships with some of her patients, invited them to her home and into our family. However, they were not always welcomed. I can remember one of my uncles saying something about not using the same dishes as a particular young man. This man also began coming to church with us thanks to my grandmother's influence. At some point, he decided to get baptized. I remember clearly the pastor stepping into the baptismal pool with rubber boots and rubber pants. If I recall correctly, he was the only person baptized that day. I remember thinking that both my pastor and my uncle were dumb. My grandmother fought on and eventually opened a non-profit org that provided housing for people living with HIV/AIDS.

I also remember reading about Rae Lewis Thornton and hearing her speak at my mother's graduation from nursing school in 1995. She changed how I saw the disease and her story would forever remain with me.

As I grew older, I'm sure I heard a lot about HIV/AIDS from the media. Who remembers listening to and watching Love Line in high school? As much as my mom didn't want me listening to or watching this show, I found it to be a great resource for information. It definitely helped me to make more informed decisions.

In college, I attended events and seminars and workshops on HIV/AIDS and safe sex. I attended discussions about the down low and the effect of HIV/AIDS on black women. I talked to my friends about it but somehow it seemed like it didn't affect us.

I can't remember when or how I found out but one of my uncles was diagnosed with HIV. In the summer of 2005, I watched my grandmother take care of him the way she had done for so many others. She tried everything she knew how and anything that anyone could think of. I watched my father take care of him in ways I'd never seen him look after anyone. I almost thought this was enough to change my father's life. Despite their best efforts and all the prayers that I'm sure were offered in his behalf, he succumbed to the disease. After that, it became a little more real for me.

I took my first HIV test because I thought my uncle would want me to, not because I thought it could really happen to me. I began getting regular STI and HIV tests because that's what adults do. I must say that I still didn't think it could happen to me. That is until right before I went into that room to take the test. This was before rapid testing. So from the time I went into that room til 2-3 weeks later when I could come back to get the results, I wondered if it could happen to me. Then, I went right back into the nah, not me mode until next time.

In 2006, I took a job in health care. I began working with people who were living with the disease. Some people had given up and resigned themselvea to remaining at a long-term care facility. Others were motivated to return to their homes or live with family and friends. I watched as some people cared for them as my grandmother had her patients. I advocated for them when others acted as if we were still in the age of misinformation.

In reflecting upon my academic career, I have also conducted a lot of research on HIV/AIDS. I have learned a lot about the disease but what stands out the most is the changing face of the disease. The women, most of whom look like me, and children who are being infected saddens me the most. It has been more than 20 years but the message has not spread to everyone.

I think it is time I start to do my part to make sure the message gets to more people. Today, my 27th birthday, I finally took a stand. I didn't do anything major. I'm posting this blog, posted testing information on my facebook status and I went to be tested. Yes, that 20 minutes was just as nervewrecking as those 2-3 weeks. This time though, I think I grew a little. I made a decision to be tested in my community though I was up north earlier today. As I looked around a room full of people who looked like me, I knew that someone would test positive. Because of that, I could not breathe a sigh of relief. In that moment, I challenged myself to do more. I've wanted to do more for a long time. So, I'm hoping that BL was right when she said that 27 is the age when you come into your own and become the adult you know you need to be. I need this to be true for me and if today is any indication, it will be.

I'll leave you with some photos from today's event.






X-Posted in The Common Room.

World AIDS Day 2008

My birthday is also World AIDS Day. For years, I've thought about doing something for the cause on my birthday but for whatever reason, I haven't. There are so many reasons why this cause is important to me. Today, I will take a small step which will hopefully lead to much larger ones in the future. Here are some videos and resources with information on HIV/AIDS prevention, transmission and testing.








Find an HIV Testing Site near you.

World AIDS Day: http://www.worldaidscampaign.org/
AIDS.gov: http://aids.gov/
AIDS.gov Blog: http://blog.aids.gov/
Alliance Library System: http://www.alliancelibrarysystem.com/
Alliance Virtual Library: http://infoisland.org/
Health Info Island Blog: http://healthinfoisland.blogspot.com/
Info Island Blog: http://infoisland.org/
National Library of Medicine: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/
Sexual Health Sim in SL: http://sl-sexualhealth.org.uk/
Metaverse Messenger (article): http://www.metaversemessenger.com/
pdf/2008/10/MM20081014.pdf

The 28 by 28 Challenge

Tomorrow, I will be 27 years old. Instead of thinking of how old that sounds or how close that is to 30, I am thinking of things that I want to do in the coming year. I have started a list of 28 things that I hope to accomplish by the time I turn 28. The list includes professional goals, weight loss and physical fitness goals which I am determined to accomplish. However, I am most excited about the things that I believe will help me to become a better friend and more well-rounded person. I'm excited to learn to cook more dishes, to take a dance class and to jump out of a plane. I'm most nervous and excited to call at least one friend per week. I know that sounds so simple to most people and it is probably something most people do anyway but I don't. Another way of silencing myself. These past few days have caused me to reflect on a few relationships that I have and what I have or haven't done to maintain them. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with people, hearing about their lives, and being heard.

The list is located on the right of the blog. I will try to write about each thing as I accomplish or work towards it. As you can see, the list is not complete. Things are still coming to me. If you have suggestions, please feel free to leave them in the comments section. I'm not opposed to doing more than 28 things. In fact, the more I can accomplish by 28 the better.

If you are up for the challenge, create a list of your own and leave a few (or all) in the comments section.

Can't help but wonder...

what my silence says to them.

This period of reflection has caused me to think about two people to whom I haven't spoken in a while. One has been a very important person in my life. We have known each other for years and have seen each other through a number of changes. However, I felt that things weren't always as I felt they should be. I also realized that I needed time and space to come to terms with the relationship. I communicated this. We spoke a couple of times after this but that was over a year ago. The other person, I stopped speaking to more recently, without communicating any reason. As the holiday season approaches and as I have more time to devote to reflecting on these relationships, I have been thinking about reaching out to them. Finally. So, what's stopping me? I am still sorting out what I want a relationship with these two people to look like. I am still questioning whether I am able to maintain the type of boundaries needed to manage these relationships. Also, I'm now wondering what they must be thinking. If silence is in fact sound, what has my silence communicated to them? How will that silence affect their ability to hear my voice when I choose to use it?

While these are questions that I don't have the answers to, I can hope that they have remained the people that I know them to be and that they will be open, patient, and understanding. As I work to figure out how to rebuild and maintain a friendship with them, I hope that my silence does not/has not become too loud.

So much to be THANKFUL for!

It is rare for me to actually sit down and reflect upon the things for which I am thankful. I asked my clients to do this today so it is only right that I do so. This past year or so has brought some hard times but also many blessing. Here are some that come to mind.

I am thankful for...

• a space all my own to share my thoughts and feelings.
• a shared space to fellowship with some of the most brilliant women I know.
• time and space to reflect on friendships and relationships.
• friends like my bff and the bad black girls who are supportive, honest, and real.
• the ability to workout, move TVs and climb my three flights of stairs.
• renewed faith in the political process.
• finally having a President that I voted for.
• a scholarship and an assistantship that have allowed me to focus on my internship and insulated me (kinda) from the financial crisis.
• lower gas prices.
• reflections of myself that I see in others.
• improvement in my ability to say no.
• my personal commitment to improve my emotional and physical health and to build better relationships.
  
• warranties for electronics.
• my home with all the necessities and a few luxuries.
• my car.
• my family.
• my grandmother.
• little cousins that want to be like me and a legacy I am proud to pass on to them.
• insight and growth.
• the understanding, patience and support of those around me.

Also, I think it is important to look toward the future. Even though my clients didn't get to this part, there are a few things that I hope I will be able to say I am thankful for this time next year such as...

• completing my Master's degree.
• having a job that I enjoy.
• having repaired those friendships and relationships that I have stepped away from.
• stronger and healthier relationships.
• a sustained commitment to personal improvement.
• a clearer vision for my life.
• spiritual growth.
• having made a difference in the lives of my clients.
• passing my licensure exam.
• family, friends, and loved ones.

These are just a few of the things that I am thankful for and that I hope to accomplish in the next year. So, what are you thankful for this holiday season?

Just Getting My Feet Wet

I just finished my practicum experience and by mid-June, God willing, I will have my degree. When I started this program, I felt like I knew it all. I fell in love with counseling in undergrad and volunteered there and at home. Over the last few months, I realized I don't know anything. That doesn't mean that I didn't have valuable experiences or that I haven't learned a lot in my program but nothing could have prepared me for this experience. My professors were serious when they said this is when you start to think you have no idea what you are doing and you're right. Then, you start to get it...

This quarter I have met some of the strongest and most resilient children I've ever seen. To those who don't know their stories, they are just some bad ass kids. To me they are resourceful survivors. They've made it through horrible situations that still haunt them in their sleep. I've gained the trust of some and others have yet to open up. I don't blame them. I too question whether I'm ready and prepared to help them adjust their load and strong enough not to try to carry it for them. These children challenged me in innumerable ways already. Their stories have made me question humanity but their strength has restored my faith. I'm more than ready to work harder than I ever have.

I'm usually glad for the quarter to end. We usually get a break from now until after the new year. However, I get no break this time. In fact starting on my birthday, I'll start going to my site 4-5 days per week until June instead of 2. I'll take on more clients or spend more time with the ones that I have. Do I need a break? Yes, but I'm excited about the time that I will spend with them. I'm glad to know that I can listen to them and sometimes that's all they need. I'm looking forward to helping them defy the odds and reach their goals. I'm ready to jump in head first but I'm glad I had time to get my feet wet.

It's been a long time...

but thanks to my bbgs over in The Common Room I have returned to the blogosphere.

The past few weeks have been rough - interning, working, family stuff and feeling like there is no way I could get every/anything done. However, things are looking up and I'm glad to be back. Here are a few life updates that may or may not lead to later elaboration:

1. Barack Hussein Obama will be our 44th President.
2. I will finish my practicum hours tomorrow and officially be done on Tuesday. (This actually means more work after Tuesday but its a milestone nonetheless.)
3. My grandmother is home from the hospital/rehabilitation centers.
4. I bought tickets to D.C. to celebrate Barack Hussein Obama becoming the 44th President.
5. I need to figure out the process to get tickets for the actual event.
   
6. I lost a couple more pounds over the last few weeks.
7. I have some of the best friends on Earth. I just wish I could see them more often.
8. I recently became self-conscious about my use of commas. Can someone give me a grammar lesson?
   

I know that was completely random but the silence has, once again, been broken.

A Tale of Two Countries

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Ok, so I've never read a A Tale of Two Cities, but last night I started reading We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For by Alice Walker. She opens the book with this reference. Then, this morning, (thanks to Kismet) I watched a clip of Keith Olbermann responding to the hatred and lies that are being spewed by the Republican Party in the closing days of this campaign. He referred to Sarah Palin's comments to "real" America. Given these two perspectives, in addition to my own hopes and fears of the what will happen over and after the next two weeks. I also feel like it is the best of times and the worst of times.

I think it is pretty clear to those who will read this that it is the best of times. I remember my being told as a child that I could be President of the United States, if I so chose. Today, we are in an historical moment. A black man, for the first time in history, has more than a real chance of making it to the White House. What, perhaps is more important is his ability to inspire and catalyze generations to act after years of passivity and disappointment. Bearing witness to this momentous occasion lets me know that it is all the more possible that my daughters will, in fact, be able to be the President of the United States.

However, according to Governor Palin, I, not to mention my friends, family members and millions of Americans, are not a part of the "real" America. The "real" America is not waiting and working to celebrate the election of the first black President. They are waiting in the wings, wallowing in their own ignorance and regurgitating the lies that have been passed down through generations. With the words that these "real" Americans shout in public, it makes me cringe to think of what they must be saying and doing in private. This "real" America has found it's way of into my home and into my deepest fears. So, despite my hope and happiness, it is also the worst of times...

Regardless of the outcome of the election, we will be left with two Americas...

A Work in Progress

I am quite possibly the happiest that I've ever been. Over the last year and a half or so, I have been reflecting on many areas of my life. I saw "issues" that I have always had - insecurities, unbalanced relationships and friendships, unrealistic expectations from family members, unhealthy eating habits and half-hearted attempts at fitness - to name a few. I slowly began to recognize patterns and work on most of these things. It hasn't been easy, by any means. However, I have made lots of progress and it feels good. It's good to know that I can set and achieve goals for myself that have nothing to do with school or work. It's great to finally realize that things don't always have to be as they are. I have reached out to people in ways that I never have before and pulled away from others. I have looked at my diet and made a commitment to my personal health. Sometimes, I slip up but I don't beat myself up, or give up the fight completely, as I may have in the past. Also, I realized that everything, including happiness, takes work. It is not eternal.

The past two weekends, I've received phone calls that rocked my foundation and instantly took me to a place of fear, loneliness, and isolation. I hid away from my new support system and sought old comforts until I realized that I needed everything I learned over the past year and a half get through this. Returning to old patterns and "safe" relationships would just make a tough time harder. I remembered how I felt before the phone calls - proud of myself for all that I had accomplished and looking forward to exceeding more goals - and I knew I couldn't get there with my old ways.

It was at that moment that I realized and accepted that I am a work in progress. Happiness is not an endpoint or a constant state of being. It takes work. I have made a commitment to myself to keep moving forward and to stay focused on my goals.

The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up. ~Charles L. Morgan

Welcome

Have you heard that quote that goes something like this - "It is better to be quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?" One would think I lived by that quote, upon first meeting me. Many people that I now call my friend have stories about the type of person that they thought I was before they got to know me. People have remarked on how privileged they feel to be my friend because they thought I hated them. Others have labeled me as quiet, shy, stuck-up and, my favorite, uptight. Some have placed me on well-deserved but, unasked-for, pedestals while others have engaged in one-sided competition with me. While I thought I was being low-key, observing my surroundings and trying not to be overbearing, as I find most people, my silence was creating a much juicier story of which I was often unaware. Of course, this was not always the case. There were times when this strategy worked too well and I became completely invisible to people. None of these reactions are ideal. So, I am taking steps to let people know who I am and what I feel. Of course, everyone will have their own perspectives, opinions, and stories but, this time, they'll have some input from the source.

So, Welcome...

Welcome to one source of information about me and my thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, opinions and feelings. I hope that you will take them for what they are - MY _________ of the moment. I also hope that you will engage in dialogue with me on my journey of self-discovery and expression. I welcome your thoughts, comments and constructive criticisms. You might think I'm a fool, at times, but I can no longer live with the sound of silence.

Let's see where this takes us...